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How Dating 30-Something Men Compares to Dating Boys in Middle School

They say human brains are fully developed around age 25, but I’m not sure that applies to the brains of most of the men I’ve dated. Based on behavior and maturity levels, it seems like their brains went “I’m all set, brah” around 12 or 13.

Hey, it’s a great age for video game prowess, but not so great for relating to the opposite sex (speaking of cis hetero males here as that is my purview).

Upon comparing notes with my informal research team of lady-friends, I discovered there are a frightening number of similarities between the men we’re dating as adults and the boys we dated as tweens.

And it goes far beyond their mutual affinity for pizza rolls.

Embracing your inner child is a wonderful thing, but if your inner child is still on Algebra 1 and Sailor Moon porn, it might be time to level up.

Just saying.

Anyway, here’s a list of some of the best/most terrifying comparisons between dating 30-something men and boys in middle school:

They each have a favorite cup they liked to drink out of because it has a superhero on it.

In fact, one adult dude I dated’s go-to cup was the one he got in a Happy Meal when he was 12.

They both love to talk about how intense their previous relationship was.

Whether it involved getting prematurely engaged or holding hands under the bleachers for four recesses in a row until their “girlfriend” called it off.

Both have one regular day a week where they do nothing but play video games in a dark room for at least seven hours where there are “no girls allowed.

Neither knows how to dress in the summertime. The MSBs (middle school boys) still wear the cargo shorts their moms bought them from Lord and Taylor two years ago.

So do the 30-something dudes.

One 30-something dude cyber-stalked his middle school girlfriend and systematically hate-liked/unliked photos of her and her husband — this is the same girl he broke up with in middle school for “having no tits.

If they had to get married, neither would settle for anything less than a replica of the fictitious princess, or princess adjacent, they deem hottest (see Anna or Elsa from Frozen, Jasmin from Aladdin and Arwen from Lord of the Rings).

It’s impossible to get either of them to write a thank you note.

When you’re invited to sleep over, they both make it clear that it’s a huge deal that doesn’t happen very often.

Their fantasy football league is very, very serious and important to them, and you are an asshole if you make fun of it.

Public farting is a favorite past time, but when you did it, they never let you live it down.

There’s a secret box they keep hidden in their closet that you’ll be aggressively yelled at for even asking about.

Messy doesn’t begin to describe their bedrooms. If you pick up one item of clothing from a pile, chances are very high that it carries an unidentifiable stain.

The MSB’s bedroom, however, will likely have more candy wrappers and DC Universe figurines on the floor.

They both hate it when you talked smack about their moms, but the 30-something dudes get extra prickly when you criticized her voting tendencies.

They’re terrified of commitment, whether that means settling down with the right girl, or committing to MS Lacrosse just because MSB’s buddy Jason already signed up.

Whenever they go away for several days (bachelor party, sports camp, etc), they always come back with at least one prominent injury and an absurdly long story of how they got it.

If you turn them down for a date, they verbally abuse you within an inch of your life. Alternatively, they treat you like you never existed to begin with.

They always get their hair cut way too short.

If you ask either of them to do even the smallest task, you’re immediately compared to their mom.

Granted, the 30-something might say, “okay, mom,” while the MSB screams, “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM” but it comes from the same place.

Bathroom time for them is sacred and endless, and that will never change.

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