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The perils of dating Ms. Pac-Man . . . and her brother

As many of you know, I am unattached. To be honest, I haven’t really even dated much in the last 2-3 years. The reason? Dating is hard.

I will also admit that I have at times dated people I met online. Online dating is more weird than hard. Trust me, I would know. Here are a few examples.

There was one lady who showed up in a muumuu dress. While I do like colorful clothing and have nothing against a woman being comfortable in her clothing, this one was not exactly a good choice for a first date.

One of her first topics was about having pitchers of margaritas during lunch with coworkers. I was pretty much finished after that and ended the date shortly after finishing the meal.

I recall another online prospect who was pleasant enough but in the end received the “Miss Congeniality” award of not getting a second date because of how she kissed. The best way to describe it was that she kissed like Ms. Pac-Man. :::chomp, chomp, chomp::: She didn’t bite but her mouth opened and closed repeatedly like Ms. Pac-Man. I kept hearing the Ms. Pac-Man music the whole time.

Next…

The strangest one, however, ended up being a family affair. We designated a time and place to meet and I met her at said time and place. And her brother… who was in a vehicle parked behind hers.

She said he insisted on coming to make sure I was not an ax murderer but would soon leave. I told her I understood, assured her I had left the ax at home and told her she could convey that to the brother. It did not help.

We talked for a couple of minutes and decided on a place to eat. I pulled out into the road, she pulled out behind me and he pulled out behind her. Our little caravan made the short trip to the restaurant and I parked, she parked, and he parked as well.

The three of us talked for a few minutes and I said something about needing to get our name on the list for a table. He did not take the cue to leave. Being the polite person that I am (you can continue when you stop laughing), I asked if he would like to join us. Of course, he said yes.

I placed our names on the waiting list and sat down. She sat down. He sat between us. No, I’m not kidding.

We sat like that for about a half-hour until our table was ready.

When we got to our booth, I quickly sat next to my date so her brother could not separate us and when the waitress asked how many checks, I told her the lady and I were together and his was separate.

Dinner was uneventful.

We talked through the meal and then for a few more minutes afterward. I told her I had to pick up a pair of pants at Walmart for church the next morning, which was true. I admit it was also an excuse to end the date as well.

There was also a date where the woman was paranoid, saying just about every man she had dated was out to get her and another who thought God might actually be an extra-terrestrial.

Also, please do not call me if you are an unemployed chain-smoking female truck driver who is very, very lonely. Yes, I’ve already had that call.

I would say there must be a reason these women were having to resort to dating online but one stark reality stops me. I was dating online.

I haven’t totally given up on dating but for obvious reasons I have been hesitant to date online.

If only it were permissible for adults to simply pass notes that say things like:

I LIKE YOU.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

CHECK [_] YES OR [_] NO

ARE YOU AT LEAST SOMEWHAT NORMAL?

CHECK [_] YES OR [_] NO

SIGNED, MARK

OK, maybe not. I just hope there are still at least one or two ladies who haven’t been scared off by this column and are actually relationship worthy.