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Threesome Tips from 13 Real Women Who’ve Had One

Threesomes—whether you’ve never had one before or are an experienced connaisseur—can be tricky to pull off: the need for communication, the logistics, the odd number of body parts. But there’s a reason so many women (nearly a third, according to one survey) are into them. Threesomes can be an awesome way to explore your sexuality, whether you’re the guest star or with a partner.

To make the experience as enjoyable as possible, we asked 13 women who’ve had them for their threesome tips and stories. Here’s what you need to know.

It can be an empowering experience.

“My first threesome experience was also my only one, but not because it was bad. I matched with a couple on Tinder and they were so kind and communicative. We met for drinks first and went back to their place. I felt like the star the entire time, and I can’t stress enough how they kept checking in with me and with each other. They were obviously a great couple, so communication was key for them to make sure they knew their boundaries and what was okay or not. I was single at the time. It felt very freeing and opened my mind—now I understand why some folks make it a regular part of their relationship. I still consider myself monogamous and would prefer not to have threesomes in a relationship—only while I’m single—but I’m more open-minded now in general to sexual fantasies. I remember feeling cared for, and I know this isn’t everyone’s experience but I felt very empowered after.”
—Abby, 25

It can be difficult to choreograph.

“My first and only threesome was with two men—one of whom was a guy I was having a summer fling with. I had told him about my fantasy of being with two men, and a few weeks later he called me up and said, ‘Hey, I’m hanging out with my friend—I told him about your fantasy, and he wants to do it. We think you should come over.’ His friend was cute and nice, and before I knew it, they were undressing me and kissing me all over. They were both totally focused on me, which was fantastic. That was the good part. The actual sex part was kinda awkward and clumsy—nobody really knew what they were doing! It was almost too much stimulation for me. I like to be able to savor the sensations and focus on what’s happening, and this was just all kinds of banging from too many directions. A friend told me later that you really have to almost choreograph a threesome. I’d love to try one again and see if I can choreograph it better. However, it’s challenging to get two guys to do a threesome, let alone two guys who would be willing to interact with each other (which would be so hot!)!”
—Elise, 51

It can be a great way to explore your sexuality.

“I’ve had a few threesomes and enjoyed them all. As a bisexual woman, it was a way for me to explore my sexuality with cis men and cis women. They happened randomly, unplanned, with friends, and there was always lots of booze involved. Though I’m sober now, I don’t regret those times. I actually feel empowered by those fun experiences. It’s also worth noting that just because someone is bisexual, that doesn’t mean they are automatically into threesomes.”
—Tawny, 33

A threesome won’t always live up to your fantasy.

“When I was 22 and newly married to my first husband, I had a threesome with my husband and his best friend. My husband and I were drunk and his friend was high. I was the one who wanted to do it, but they enjoyed it a lot more than I did. It was awkward and didn’t live up to the fantasy at all.”
—Kara, 41

A threesome isn’t a replacement for what you really want in a relationship.

“My threesomes were awful, on every occasion. The only reason I ended up in these situations is because I was drunk. And perhaps more important: I didn’t value myself enough to ask for my relationship ne, which were love, affection, and monogamy. My 20s (and who am I kidding, much of my 30s) were spent accepting these scraps of attention. Today these experiences are firmly behind me, unless it’s something I really want to explore with a loving partner—exclusively on my terms.”
—Olivia, 39

Not every threesome will be the same.

“I’ve had several group sex experiences and find threesomes to be pretty nice. My first was with my spouse (who is non-binary) and a cis man, the second with my spouse and a cis woman. They were each really different and worthwhile! My spouse and I talked literally for YEARS beforehand and felt super ready for the potential good and difficult outcomes. I’ve honestly never felt more like they were my best friend. These were super special and hot moments! Now, the foursomes we’ve had? Those are a whole different world!”
—Callie, 29

Threesomes can be really complicated.

“I was in an open relationship, and the couple I had sex with was not officially a couple but definitely more romantically and emotionally involved than either one was willing to admit. They basically got upset and jealous while I was there, and I ended up mediating between them. Also the guy crossed my boundaries and did things that I had told him were off limits, so I felt really used emotionally and sexually.”
—Chantelle, 26

There can be a lot of pressure to perform.

“I spent three years in my 20s regularly hosting orgies, and I can confidently say that a threesome is the most difficult form of group sex. With only three people, there’s pressure on everyone to perform. And someone can always be left out. My first threesome in high school happened because my friend’s girlfriend decided to kiss me at a house party. We sort of rumbled and tumbled our way through, and it was glorious. Since then, most threesomes have been better fantasies than reality. Like the most recent attempt with my girlfriend and a guy she was seeing. He walked into her apartment and jumped right into things by pushing her and me together. She gave him a blowjob and he came in 30 seconds. He left 15 minutes later, and she and I were finally able to have real fun without a penis.”
—Jess, 30

A threesome can bring you and your partner closer together.

“I had been dating a new guy for about a month when he suggested a threesome, knowing that I was bisexual and hadn’t had a ton of experience with women. So we did it for his birthday with an old colleague of his—and it was truly great. The night started out with hanging out, a bit of drinking, and then we all took a shower together. It was very hot and enjoyable, and I felt that everyone got roughly the same amount of attention. However, it got really awkward the next day because she assumed that they had rekindled something…whereas for me and him the threesome actually solidified our feelings for each other. Although the relationship didn’t work out in the long run, the threesome ended up being what brought us closer together and was, in my mind, a very special experience.”
—Danielle, 33

It is possible to have a threesome with friends…

“My threesome happened with two guy friends from college. To say it was unexpected is an understatement. The three of us passed out in one bed following an evening of heavy drinking. I already messed with one of the men previously so when I awoke and we began kissing in the middle of the night, it was not a big deal. Then the other guy friend joined in. It was late, we were still in the midst of a drunken night, and things just unfolded quickly. I recall a Kanye West album playing as we navigated who was in what position and taking the appropriate turn. The focus was on me, plus the guys enjoying themselves. We never discussed what happened but there was never an awkward moment among us either. We just moved forward, forward with a checkmark next to ‘so that happened.’”
—Mindy, 34

…and with strangers.

“Having threesomes was my fantasy. I’m a black, femme lesbian but didn’t start having them until I came out at the age of 27. All of my threesomes were with people I did not previously know because that’s the way I wanted it. I’ve heard scary stories about friendships ending over them, so I want all of mine to be anonymous. While all of my experiences were extremely pleasurable, I’m in a monogamous marriage and won’t be engaging in any more. And of course, I’m perfectly okay with that. They served their purpose for me. They were sexually freeing and affirming.”
—Jacy, 40

It can make a first date a lot more fun.

“Together as a couple, my boyfriend and I have dated a fair amount of women. On a normal first date, there’s a lot of pressure on both people trying to possibly start a relationship, but in this context it’s very clear that we’re all just here to make a connection, have fun, and not worry about whether this is ‘going somewhere.’ The sex is usually awesome. Sometimes I’m getting all the attention, and other times someone else has the floor, and you get give them a night to write home about. It reminds me what a great lover my boyfriend is, and I get to see him with fresh eyes. Plus, there are so many amazing women out there and I feel so lucky to be able to jump in bed with them.”
—Isabel, 25

It can turn into a profound type of relationship.

“I was in a threesome relationship for approximately six months. It was my primary partner and I, plus a friend who was both bisexual (though primarily with women) and polyamorous. Sexually and otherwise, it was a huge shift for me. It helped me understand my own past struggles with monogamy and opened up my sexuality in a whole new way. Having that experience allowed me to claim for myself a love without apology, and that changed everything.”
—Jeanette, 44

Irina Gonzalez is an editor and freelance writer based in Florida who covers Latinx culture, sober living, parenting, and all things lifestyle. Follow her on Instagram at @msirinagonzalez.